WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Thursday that after careful evaluation, he had determined that Attorney General Pam Bondi was "not quite hot enough" to be this incompetent at her job.
Trump fired Bondi moments later, stating that, unfortunately, she had clearly crossed the line on his patented graph of hotness and job competence.
"I'm sorry, Pam, but to work in the Trump administration, you've got to be really smoking hot if you're going to be that bad at your job," said Trump. "You can also be totally ugly if you're really amazing at your job... but you better be incredible. Look at Marco. Very average features, short stature, weird shoes, but so good at his job. Many jobs, really. You've got to be really hot or really good. It's got to be one or the other, Pam."
According to White House sources, Trump hosts a weekly session where he shows cabinet members where they currently fall on his hotness/competence chart. "It's pretty harsh, but at least you know where you stand," said Vice President JD Vance. "I really was in the tank for a bit when Trump thought those memes were real, and I had actually gotten that fat. Fortunately, we've come around."
At publishing time, Trump had warned Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum that he had better either improve his job performance or start plucking his eyebrows.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
