Home > Politics > Trump Makes New Year's Resolution To Continue Being As Great As He Always ...
Politics
Trump Makes New Year's Resolution To Continue Being As Great As He Always Is

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has announced his New Year's resolution: to continue to be as great as he always is.

“This is an extremely important resolution because this country depends on my superior presidenting,” Trump explained in a press conference. “If I am anything less than the superb excellence I always am, millions could die.”

Trump says he knows his resolution will be controversial since, by his understanding, he was impeached in 2019 for being “too awesome a president,” but Trump vows to continue to be that awesome in 2020, even if it leads to a second impeachment. “I just love the country too much to be anything less than as great as I always am.”

To help with this resolution, Trump plans to read some self-maintaining books to help continue to be as good as he is. He does not plan to read any self-improvement books, though, since being any better than he already is “is not humanly possible.”

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.