WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a shocking speech to the press Monday, President Trump said the libs and media could destroy the economy with their coronavirus fearmongering, and he would raise it up in three days.
The stunning statement came as Trump began driving out the press from the White House Rose Garden, flipping over their folding chairs and throwing rocks at their cameras. At one point, he fashioned a whip out of some Slim Jims and began driving them out. "Get out of here! How dare you turn Washington's house into a house of liars!"
The press then remembered that it had been prophesied, "Hatred for the corporate press will consume the Messiah."
Jim Acosta demanded a sign: "What proof can you show us that you have the authority to say mean things to reporters like this?"
Trump answered, "Destroy this economy, and I will raise it up in three days. It will be the greatest resurrection ever. Nobody has resurrected an economy like me."
"This economy took decades to build," Acosta replied, "and you're going to raise it up in three days?"
"Yeah, dummy, that's what I said."
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