Home > Politics > Trump Attacks Sordid Past Of Outed Whistleblower Jack Bauer
Politics U.S.
Trump Attacks Sordid Past Of Outed Whistleblower Jack Bauer

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The whistleblower alleging coverups in the White House has been revealed to be Counter Terrorism Unit agent Jack Bauer. This is the second time Bauer has been involved in trying to take down a president, the first being President Charles Logan, who resigned on obstruction of justice charges. With the whistleblower's identity known, President Trump wasted no time in going on the attack.

“This Bauer, you can’t trust him,” Trump told the press. “Once he asked to see a federal witness and then cut his head off with a hacksaw. And he framed Logan -- who was a good man and a great president -- and now he’s coming after me. I guess he just doesn’t like presidents. Or maybe he doesn’t like America.”

Trump then detailed all the terrorist attacks that happened while Bauer served as a CTU agent. “We had a nuclear bomb go off. We had a biological attack. We had more bombing. We had a poison gas attack. We had yet another nuclear bomb go off. It seems like we had more terrorism with him around. And do you know how often someone close to him ended up being a mole or a traitor? Kind of coincidental, don’t you think? The Russians really don’t like him, and maybe they have a point.”

The president pointed out that Bauer is "a magnet for bad stuff to go down" as he's often involved in 24 hours of pure chaos, where a bunch of "terroristy" things happen and nobody ever uses the bathroom or takes a nap.

Some think Trump went too far when he went after Jack Bauer’s relatives, as he later tweeted, “Ever hear about Jack Bauer’s daughter? Idiot. Got lost in the woods and nearly killed by a mountain lion. Loser.”

Breaking: Paypal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.