U.S. — President-Elect Donald Trump announced his intent to appoint former federal prosecutor Kash Patel as head of the FBI after being unable to get a hold of his first choice, Special Agent Fox Mulder.
"I need the best. I need Fox Mulder," Trump had reportedly said according to his transition team. "Do you know he once slid off an alien ship rising out of the Antarctic ice to save his partner? Talk about loyalty. It's unbelievable but it's true."
Trump has previously described bravery, loyalty, and suaveness as the chief qualities he was looking for in an FBI director, qualities with which Fox Mulder excels.
"I said to myself, 'Who better to run the FBI than the man who exposed the Syndicate?'" Trump said during a rally appearance in Schnedksville, PA. "You know, he had to fight an alien bounty hunter. You could only kill them by piercing the base of the skull. Did you know that? But you had to be precise. You have to do it precisely but Mulder wasn't so precise sometimes. But it was incredible, let me tell you. He fought this alien multiple times. The battles were just so interesting, and so vicious, and horrible — and so beautiful in so many different ways."
According to sources, Trump was forced to move on from Mulder because the agent had reportedly left the bureau three different times and was now presumably in hiding.
"But Kash will do great," Trump said. "He's no Mulder, but his name sounds like cash and I like cash, believe me."
Kash Patel has refused to comment on being Trump's second pick for FBI director, though his feelings are reportedly hurt.
At publishing time, Kash Patel had been abducted by aliens, forcing Fox Mulder to come out of hiding to uncover a complicated government conspiracy to rescue him.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
