WASHINGTON, D.C. - Amid rumors of a flurry of presidential pardons coming down today, Trump has confirmed that one convict will not be walking free: Rian Johnson, who has been serving a triple life sentence for his hijacking and torture of the Star Wars franchise.

"Rian Johnson has committed heinous crimes against Star Wars, and he will not walk free on my watch," Trump said in a speech to reporters outside the White House today. "While many people can reform their ways -- and, to be frank, Knives Out was pretty good -- Johnson deserves to spend the rest of his life behind bars." Trump said he will not be offering a pardon to Johnson and will not consider it at the end of his next term, either, whether that's in 2024 or 2028.

"Worst Star Wars movie, maybe ever!" When pressed, Trump admitted that the prequel trilogy was maybe harder to watch due to the scripting, direction, and acting, but that "at least it didn't hate Star Wars."

At publishing time, Biden had said the first thing he will do as president is pardon Johnson and ban The Mandalorian.