PALM BEACH, FL — In an effort to create a more efficient process for everyone making an attempt on his life, President Donald Trump ordered his staff to install a "Take-A-Number" ticket dispenser at the front gate of Mar-a-Lago for all would-be assassins.
After facing multiple assassination attempts in the last two years, Trump told his closest advisors that setting up a more organized system for would-be assassins to arrive, get in line, and try to kill him in a calm and orderly fashion would work better in the long run.
"I don't like chaos. I'd much rather there be an efficient process for trying to kill me," Trump told reporters. "These other creeps that tried to take me out, they didn't have their ducks in a row. And we can't keep up with all the crazy people who want to kill me, so it's better if they can just take a number, get in line, and wait their turn. Everyone can get their chance; they just have to be patient."
Secret Service agents were reportedly unsure about the idea, but later agreed that it would help them deal with the continual flow of assassination attempts. "It's not ideal. Ideal would be no assassins," said Secret Service spokesman Sean Kellar. "But, all things considered, since we know people will keep trying to harm the president, it's best for us to have them waiting in line to take their shots. So please, if you want to come to Mar-a-Lago to try to kill Trump, take your place in line and wait for your number to be called. Thank you."
At publishing time, the line of would-be assassins already stretched around the block.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
