LOS ANGELES, CA — Emergency crews responded to a catastrophic incident at the famous El Capitan Theater in Hollywood last night, where an entire studio audience tragically drowned in a flood of Jimmy Kimmel's tears.
Frantic calls came in late Monday night, when the crowd that attended last night's episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live! was caught in a sudden deluge of tears from the show's host as he wept over recent events in Minneapolis.
"Before we knew it, everyone was up to their necks in tears," one member of the show's crew said later. "Jimmy just started crying and warbling something about Minnesota and ICE, and the studio started to flood. At first, we figured it would just be like his usual crying sessions, but he really turned on the waterworks this time. By the time everyone realized how deep it was getting, it was too late."
An ABC spokesperson said authorities were still trying to determine how many people were unaccounted for. "One witness saw a few audience members trying to use Guillermo as a flotation device, but they lost track of them in the chaos," the spokesperson said. "The theater just isn't designed to handle that amount of flooding. We're trying to keep anyone from telling Jimmy about the tragedy, because he'd probably just start crying again."
At publishing time, an ABC insider revealed that the network was planning a multi-million-dollar upgrade to the studio that would feature a state-of-the-art drainage system to withstand any future Kimmel crying incidents and prevent further tragedies.
Minnesota is the place to be!
