U.S. — The bitterly divided nation has finally agreed on one thing: it is just way too cold to start a civil war right now.
"Yeah, I'm not going out in this," said one American who otherwise would've been preparing to take up arms against the other half of the country. "I might have some chicken soup instead. Yeah, that sounds good."
The United States is a nation at odds in many ways, seemingly unable to come to a consensus on whether we should have enforceable immigration laws, girls-only locker rooms, or a Star Wars canon that includes The Last Jedi. But one thing the nation realized this past week, after a historic winter snowfall affecting 235 million Americans across 40 states, is that it's just way too cold to have a civil war right now.
"It's really hard to fight fascists when it's 8 degrees," mused one Democrat activist. "Maybe we can launch our glorious invasion of the red states when it gets into the thirties."
"Yeah, we all agree that we need to fight a civil war and that we can't do it in this crazy snow," said one Republican businessman. "Pray for sunshine!"
At publishing time, civil war was further averted after half the nation lost internet service.
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