REHOBOTH, DE — President Biden briefly got up from his beach chair this morning to build a little sandcastle in honor of the American hostage brutally executed by Hamas after almost a year in captivity.
"I did everything I could while sitting in a beach chair to bring him home," sighed Biden as he built a tower. "If only there was something more we could have done. Well, there was -- but something that wouldn't have hurt our polling in Minnesota."
After spending forty percent of his Presidency on vacation, Biden felt it fitting that he was sitting on the beach when he got the call. "Let me assure Americans — this administration worked tirelessly, at least sixty percent of the time, to bring our hostages home," said Biden. "While we may have failed, we did spend $320 million on a pier to send supplies to the terrorists who were holding our hostages. Oh, and then the pier sank. That took a lot of hard work! So, yeah — we tried."
The details of the gruesome torture and execution of an American citizen after being held hostage for so long left citizens wondering why the administration did not do more to negotiate his release or attempt a rescue operation. "I mean, it just seems like the message we're sending is if terrorists kidnap an American, we will pay the terrorists tens of millions of dollars and then you can just shoot the hostage," said local man Carl Gimble. "That, uh, seems like the wrong message."
At publishing time, President Biden had finished his sandcastle and had begun a moment of silence, scheduled to last until whenever his nap ended.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
