LOS ANGELES, CA — Abject failure John Daniels has not played Spider-Man in a single Hollywood film, confirming the absolute embarrassment that is his acting career.
In a town where donning the iconic spandex is practically a part of puberty, Daniels has somehow turned 35 years old without playing or even voicing the webslinger. "It's over. I'm finished," said Daniels as he looked over offers to act in twelve other films. "Tom Holland got to be Spider-Man! Tom. Freaking. Holland! What am I even doing with my life?"
Daniels can reportedly no longer bring himself to go out in public as the shame is simply too great. "No one even believes I'm an actor anymore," sighed Daniels. "They say, 'Huh? An actor? But I've never seen you play Spider-Man.' Then I look at the ground sadly and they start laughing at what a catastrophe my life is. I have 32 film credits on IMDB, but now when people ask what I do, I just tell them I'm a UPS driver. I can't bear the humiliation."
Daniels has reportedly started a support group for other incompetent losers who have never played Spidey. According to sources, there are five remaining males in Hollywood who have yet to be Spider-Man, all of whom quickly joined the group. "It's the only place I can show my face these days," said lousy excuse for an actor Leonardo DiCaprio. "I don't know where it all went wrong for me."
At publishing time, the group was down to four members after Tom Cruise landed a role in the upcoming film Spiderman: The Golden Years.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
