To Regain Popularity, MLB To Allow One Player Per Team To Take Steroids
Sports · Apr 3, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

U.S. — With a segment of fans longing for the excitement of previous eras of the game, Major League Baseball took a step to regain popularity by announcing one player per team would be allowed to take steroids.

While the sport has maintained its prominent position in American life, fans and owners have wondered if some of the excitement of the "steroid era" would provide a helpful boost to the game's mainstream popularity. The new rule change — letting each team select one player to put on the juice — is designed to do just that.

"Not only will they be permitted to take steroids, it will be actively encouraged," said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. "We want people glued to the game like they were back in the McGwire/Sosa/Bonds days. Nothing's more exciting than watching home runs, even if you have to deal with frightening intermittent bouts of roid rage."

Though the league is reportedly eager to see increased gains, both in muscle and television ratings, fan reaction has been mixed, with some longing for a bygone era when people used to follow baseball for the love of the game. Many of those fans, however, are expected to be bullied into submission by the bloodlust of others who demand that their team win at any cost.

Manny Machado, chosen to be the San Diego Padres' Designated Roider, has claimed that steroids in no way cheapen his achievements as an athlete. "Everything I have achieved could be done without steroids," he said while taking practice swings with an uprooted telephone pole. "I'm just getting on the juice to be a team player."

At publishing time, the Padres had just taken the lead over the Cardinals on Machado's fifth home run of the game.


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