WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton's long career in politics finally met with the recognition it deserved when the United States created a new federal holiday in her honor: "Almost Presidents" Day.
According to sources in the federal government, the day was instituted to recognize the achievements and almost-sufficient popularity of such forgotten underdogs as Clinton, Al Gore, and Aaron Burr.
"This is a momentous day," said a federal spokesperson. "The nation's eyes are upon all those who could have been president, if they hadn't been total losers."
Sources within the White House say that President Trump has created a whole portrait gallery of almost-presidents to help commemorate their importance to the nation.
"They're very sad people, these fake presidents," Trump told reporters. "Very lame, highly uncool losers. They're not like me, who has never lost a presidential election in his life, even when Sleepy Joe and Cackling Kamala conspired to overturn my rightful win in 2020. That's why we put this portrait of Kamala and her favorite bottle of Jack Daniels in the gallery, even though she wasn't even close to 'almost' being president, because I beat her in a landslide. Happy Almost-President's Day to all the haters and the losers, like Walter 'Chuckle-head' Mondale!"
At publishing time, Trump had created a new federal holiday: "Almost Supreme Empress of the Galaxy" Day just for Stacy Abrams.
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