MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Despite making headlines and helping Kamala Harris surge in popularity following accepting a spot as her running mate, Tim Walz backed out of the VP nomination after learning vice presidents sometimes have to deploy to dangerous places overseas.
"Whoa, deploy?" asked Walz, taken aback. "Aren't there other, less important people to do that? That's not really my thing."
Along with the high-profile position of being named Harris's running mate, the Minnesota governor found himself facing allegations of dropping out of the National Guard to avoid being sent to war in Iraq. Walz reportedly experienced deja vu this week upon being informed that vice presidents may potentially be called upon to travel to dangerous overseas locations.
"I'm not sure I feel too great about this gig now," Walz was overheard telling his staff. "I thought it was just some cushy job sitting at a desk, cutting ribbons at the opening of government buildings, attending really fancy dinners…that type of thing. I had no idea I might be put in any type of risky situation. I better let Kamala know I'm out."
Insiders among Walz's staff confirmed that the governor was ready to bail as soon as he found out that he would not be completely safe at all times and may be called upon to place himself in harm's way in extreme situations.
"I'm not into this ‘risking my life for my country' stuff," Walz said. "I thought that would have been obvious by now."
At publishing time, Walz's office denied reports that he had attempted to shield himself with women and children when a car backfired outside a campaign rally.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
