WASHINGTON, D.C. — To prepare for his big week of bickering with Kevin McCarthy and appearing on right-wing media, Florida Representative Matt Gaetz visited his stylist and demanded he make him look like a stock photo of a complete douchebag.
Whereas many Americans ask their barber to make them look like a picture of a celebrity, such as Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston, or ask for a specific haircut such as a coif or fade, Gaetz simply did a Google image search for "total douchebag," printed out the first stock photo that popped up, and brought it to his appointment.
"As I was styling his hair to match the picture he kept saying, ‘Bigger! Douchier!'" explained his stylist, Brandon Nohomo, "It's kind of his signature look. Douchey hair. Douchey suit. Douchey tie. And to pull the look together, a douchey smile. Unless he's mad, in which case it becomes a douchey smirk."
When asked whether Gaetz was worried that looking like an absolute tool might negatively impact his public perception, Nohomo says that the congressman dismissed those concerns. "I told him that people will be apt to disagree with him because…you know…his face is like that. But he just kept pointing to the picture and saying ‘This!' I even warned him that if someone were to accuse him of hitting on underage girls, many people would assume he did it because, well, his face. But he insisted I continue."
After Gaetz was finished, Nohomo's next client, Jon Fetterman, came in with a picture of wet garbage.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.