ST LOUIS, MO — As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light's partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.
"Wow, all this woke stuff is pretty dumb, am I right, fellas?" said Whitworth, chuckling nervously into the camera. "And this LGBT stuff? Dang! Talk about gay! Go woke, go broke, I always say. Diversity is our strength! Um, I mean, I love America! What do you people want me to say again?"
"Please buy our beer," said the embattled CEO finally before breaking down in sobs.
Sources within the company confirmed that execs have been desperately working on damage control since the Mulvaney incident. "We need to make sure people know we're still the iconic American brand they know and love while still reaching out as allies to the LGBTQ+ activists so they don't dock our Corporate Inclusion Index score," said VP Seth Hawkins while shotgunning a beer and releasing a bald eagle for the cameras. "Please don't murder me, trans activists! I have kids!"
At publishing time, the company announced they had promoted their VP of Marketing Alissa Heinerscheid to President of Office Janitorial Services
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
