KYIV — With Tax Day rapidly approaching, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a helpful reminder to all American taxpayers of the importance of paying their taxes in a timely manner while tearing through the war-torn streets of Kyiv in a brand new Ferrari F430.
"Just a reminder to the wonderful American people," Zelensky began after screeching his sports car to a halt in front of assembled members of the media. "Filing your taxes accurately and on time is most important. It is through your commitment to paying your taxes that the evil Russian aggressors can be fought. The Ukrainian people thank you for standing by our side and funding our completely necessary war that is in no way corrupt. Remember — April 18th! Happy Tax Day, America!"
Zelensky then peeled out, leaving thick, black stripes of burned rubber on the road as he sped away. The Ukrainian President has come under increasing scrutiny after leaked documents and other reports have added to the mounting evidence of heavy corruption, money laundering, and embezzlement surrounding the Ukrainian war effort. Zelensky has vehemently denied such reports, swearing that his new Versace wardrobe, private jet, and sports car were acquired through appropriate means.
"I hit Ukrainian lottery," Zelensky said of the reported $400 million increase in his bank account. "Yes the country is devastated by war and hardship, but I won lottery. Very excited. Big lucky break for me!"
At publishing time, the Biden administration had notified Congress that additional funding for Ukraine was desperately needed, despite the fact that Zelensky was last seen doing donuts with his Ferrari next to the ruins of a bombed Ukrainian grade school.
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