COLUMBUS, OH — The world's leading theologians admitted this week that they have been collectively struggling to find a good explanation for why a loving God could allow Ohio.
"It's become our most challenging question," Princeton Divinity Professor Dr. Alistair Vance said. "We can explain natural disasters, and we can explain the mystery of suffering... but when you look at a landscape that is 98% corn and 2% orange road construction cones, it becomes difficult to argue for a divine plan. How could a loving God craft such a wretched place?"
The debate intensified after a recent trip to Akron, where researchers found that the local atmosphere consists entirely of corn fields and broken dreams. While some fringe groups suggested that Ohio was actually a form of purgatory designed to make Cleveland Browns fans appreciate the sweet release of death, others have argued it was simply a leftover piece from all the wonderful other places God created.
"We believe we need Ohio so we can appreciate the things in our lives that aren't Ohio," Alistair explained. "When we truly examine the nature of the divine, we come to realize that without Ohio, we would be unable to feel true godly sorrow and know what our purpose on this earth is supposed to be. Ohio helps us to more deeply understand the true nature of God's love in our lives."
At publishing time, the Vatican had released a brief statement clarifying that while God is indeed all-powerful, even He had stopped short of calling the creation of Ohio "good."
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