Whenever a national tragedy occurs, the most important thing we can do is immediately jump online to fight with our political opponents!
Make sure to follow these easy tips for how to respond in a respectful and thoughtful manner when discussing recent tragedies online:
- Wait a few seconds out of respect for the victims, then immediately try to score political points. -- Don't jump in with your political jabs right away -- wait at least two or three seconds before slamming your political opponents online.
- Assume the facts fit your narrative before they come out. -- You can't waste any time waiting for facts to come out. By then your hot take will be lukewarm. Just assume that everything fits into your preconceived worldview and have at it.
- Point out that your pet projects and policies definitely would have fixed this. -- All the policy proposals you already believed in are definitely the solution to this crisis, so leverage this tragedy to push your agenda right away. After a few seconds of mourning, of course.
- Offer thoughts and prayers that the shooter was the right skin color for your narrative. -- Bow your head to God above and pray that the shooter was white if you're a liberal, or Middle Eastern if you're a conservative.
- Set up a memorial in the form of some dank memes. -- Memes are the best way to remember the senseless act of violence. Don't bother arguing your points with nuance and thoughtfulness. Just blast out the most savage memes you can find.
- Immediately vomit all your darkest thoughts and worst prejudices online for all to see. -- Seriously, like, draft the absolutely worst tweet of all time and just blast that sucker out there. You'll get ratioed to heck and will have to delete it at some point, but it's worth it.
- If anyone says they're praying for the victims, destroy that person. -- This isn't the time to pray to God! This is the time to petition the government to DO SOMETHING, since the government has proven to be calm, rational, and effective at its job. Nothing bad has ever happened when the government has gotten involved.
Now get out there and fight the good fight!