AUSTIN, TX—In a genius move, Governor Abbott of Texas legally redefined vaccinations as "COVID abortions" so the federal government will leave them up to an individual's choice.
In his declaration today, Abbott officially reclassified all vaccinations under the new term. All official literature, clinics, marketing, and press releases are to use the term "COVID abortions" or "a health procedure that aborts COVID from the body" instead of the previously accepted term "COVID-19 vaccine."
Upon hearing the news, Biden said that the federal government will vigorously defend an individual's right to either take the vaccine or not take the vaccine in Texas. "We will defend a person's right to choose to get a COVID abortion or not—it's his or her or xer body, so it's his or her or xer choice. The government should not be involved in these kinds of personal healthcare decisions. To get a COVID abortion is a decision between a birthing person—or a non-birthing person—and their doctor. The government should stay out of it entirely. Their body, their choice. Nothing the government can do about it. Sorry, Jack."
Biden then leaned in close and whispered, "Listen up, folks: the government should stay out of healthcare decisions. I'm leaning in close and whispering to emphasize this and because I think it's endearing and not at all creepy. Also, you all smell great today. Except you, Todd."