Suck At Raising Kids? Here Are Our Top 15 Tips To Be A Perfect Parent

Raising kids is hard. Even for experienced parents, every day brings new challenges. How can anyone do it perfectly?

The Babylon Bee conducted a comprehensive survey to come up with the following list of tips on how to be a perfect parent:

When they say they're hungry, pretend you think they're telling you their name: For dads only.
Introduce them to the Beastie Boys: You want them to appreciate high culture.
Do the opposite of what your parents did with you: That usually works like a charm.
Don't — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES — allow your babies to sleep on their stomachs: Or their backs. Or their sides. The doctor has been clear about this.
Vicariously try to live your pro sports dreams through them: Kids really appreciate that.
Outsource all training and education to YouTube and TikTok: It's the Library of Alexandria of our age.
Blame your spouse when things go wrong: That way, you help teach your kids conflict resolution, too.
If estranged from your spouse, dress up as a matronly Scottish housekeeper to spend time with them: Mrs. Doubtfire was a great dad.
Remind them every day how much you love them as long as they get good grades: Conditional love produces healthy, well-adjusted kids.
Protect them in an impenetrable Christian bubble: That's not a metaphor. An actual bubble. We sell them in our online store.
Do all the fun stuff yourself, and pass off all the difficult stuff like discipline to your spouse: That way, you can be the fun one.
Destroy them at Super Smash Bros. on a regular basis: Dehumanizing humiliation builds character.
Throw the Galactic Emperor into the reactor core: One of the greatest father-son bonding moments of all time.
Teach them the Bible using anthropomorphic vegetables: It's part of the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Keep them the same gender they were when they were born: This might seem obvious, but it's worth mentioning.