U.S. — A 40-year medical research project has concluded that the number 1 cause of injury among boys aged 3-18 years is jumping off a roof with an umbrella.
"Honestly, I'm not even sure why we conducted this study since we all pretty much knew this anyway," said lead researcher and father of 5 Dr. Sam Deebaugh after reviewing the findings. "My three boys have tried it at least once. Well, actually, my youngest boy tried it, like, 3 or 4 times. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, if you know what I mean."
The study also revealed that families in the U.S. spend a total of $480 billion per year on emergency room visits related to boys jumping off buildings with umbrellas to see if the umbrella will slow their descent. This is followed closely by injuries related to building makeshift ramps out of plywood and ramping a bike off of it, and injuries stemming from jumping down an entire flight of stairs with a black cape just like Batman.
At publishing time, 3 male researchers involved in the study had been rushed to the emergency room with broken bones because the study had made them really want to try jumping off a house with an umbrella to see if it would work.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
