U.S. - In a groundbreaking study of over 328 million statements given by experts over the last 10 years, researchers discovered that 97% of those statements were totally made up.

"According to our research, whenever you see the phrase 'experts say' followed by some truth claim, you can be 97% sure that statement was literally pulled out of thin air, or maybe sometimes out of someone's butt," said Dr. Smagbord Luugbjörn, an expert. "As it turns out, there's really no agreed-upon criteria for what qualifies someone to be an expert. As a result, we have a ton of self-proclaimed 'experts' who don't know what they're talking about. That's my expert opinion, anyway. I'm a real expert though."

The study found that 43% of experts are actually a "few fries short of a Happy Meal", while the other 54% qualify as "a few beers short of a six-pack."

"None of them are the sharpest knives in the drawer," said Luugbjörn.

Experts were quick to criticize the survey, claiming the report had not been peer-reviewed by a qualified panel of experts. 

Experts insist that in spite of the study, anyone who refuses to listen to experts is probably a "big stinky doo-doo head" and they probably hate science. They insist that they know what they are talking about, and you should keep listening to everything they say.