U.S. — A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what countless scientists had suspected for decades, revealing an astounding 100% of male hikers pretend they are on a quest during the Third Age of Middle-earth.
A Portuguese research team spent two years trekking through remote hiking locales across the globe and surveying male hikers to answer the age-old question of what they are imagining while trudging across rugged terrain, with the answer invariably coming back "I'm on an epic quest in the Third Age of Middle-earth."
"Every single man we studied was envisioning himself marching through Middle-earth," said lead researcher Professor Blake Rumsey. "No matter the hiking trail — vast grasslands, dense forest, snow-packed mountains — the mind of every man was squarely fixed on picturing himself journeying through the landscape of Middle-earth on an important quest in the battle between good and evil."
One hiker reached for comment confirmed the study's findings. "Oh, yeah, totally. Every time," said Jack Roberts. "Sometimes I'm being chased by wargs. That's if I want to go fast and get a really good workout. Sometimes I'm tracking Gollum through the Dead Marshes. The fate of all Middle-earth depends on me. Thankfully, I'm like totally good at hiking."
At publishing time, the research team revealed that 100% of male hikers also pack extra food for the specific purpose of being able to take breaks for "second breakfast" and "elevensies."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
