PUEBLO, CO — Stunned Starbucks workers completely froze up in apparent awestruck wonder as local 39-year-old man Nathan Almes ordered a mysterious beverage called a "black coffee," sources confirmed Thursday morning.
Barista Colby Dittmer, 27, reportedly asked Almes, a project manager and father of three, what he'd like to order as he approached the counter. Almes glanced around, a knowing look in his eyes. He folded his arms. The mere hint of a smile danced on the corners of his mouth. Then, clearing his throat, he uttered the two words that would bring the business to a grinding halt: "Black coffee."
According to witnesses, the effect was immediate. Employees froze on the spot, all eyes shifting toward the man who had spoken the strange incantation. One worker gasped, unsure what the eldritch words meant but sensing an evil aura about them. Another barista dropped the Iced Orange Cream Latte she was making, causing the cup to crash to the floor and splatter espresso, orange syrup, and foam everywhere. Customers stopped their conversations, paused in the middle of sipping their unicorn rainbow sugar slurpees, and whispered in hushed tones to one another:
"Did he say black coffee?! Is that... legal?!"
"Don't we call it 'coffee of color' nowadays?"
Almes smiled, soaking in the panic and dismay caused by his simple order. "All too easy," said Almes to himself, standing tall amid the chaos. He slowly repeated his order: "Black coffee. For here, if you please."
The baristas looked helplessly at each other, unsure what to do next. "Do we call the police?" asked Dittmer, quietly shuffling towards his shift manager. "I wasn't trained for this!"
At publishing time, Almes had been escorted out of the store while Starbucks' headquarters filed a restraining order against him.
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