MIRAMAR, FL—In order to crack down on the growing pandemic of toddlers not wearing masks after takeoff, Spirit Airlines has announced that all aircraft will now be fitted with ejector seats to quickly remove dangerous maskless babies from the plane.
"We're not messing around anymore," said company CEO Edward M. Christie. "We've had it with these uppity passengers and their uppity babies walking on like they own the place."
Sources confirmed that flight attendants will be given big scary red buttons that can eject any passenger at will. Buttons will be used as an enforcement tactic against unmasked children, people who don't put their tray table in the upright and locked position when asked, and orthodox Jews.
Spirit also threatened that those who further refuse to comply will be forced to fly on Spirit Airlines again.