TEXAS—Progressive rock star Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke lost his bid for Senate against incumbent Ted Cruz Tuesday— despite having deployed a war chest of $70 million toward his efforts—leaving liberals across Texas “literally shaking” so powerfully that it resulted in a magnitude 2.8 earthquake, seismologists confirmed.
The quake was felt by many in the Lone Star State, though it was not large enough to cause any serious damage. Liberals, however, were largely in shambles Wednesday, struggling to recover from the election results.
“Beto had everything going for him—good looks, tons of money, celeb support, a Latino-sounding nickname—I’m literally broken to pieces over this, literally screaming and shaking,” one visibly disturbed progressive voter told reporters from a Dallas-area Starbucks, adding that she has never felt so oppressed and that Ted Cruz literally wants her and all her friends to die.
Beto O’Rourke confirmed that he felt the quake, blaming “discombobulation” from the seismic activity for the f-bomb he dropped during his concession speech.
Authorities further confirmed that another, smaller earthquake was also registered at the same time in Atlanta, Georgia, centered under CNN’s headquarters.