HOUSTON, TX — Olympic gymnast Simone Biles is astonishing spectators around the country with her greatest gymnastics feat yet: arguing that trans women are women.
In an attempt to showcase her almost superhuman flexibility, Biles has undertaken one of the most difficult feats known to mankind — arguing that men who think they are women can actually be women.
Crowds gasped as Biles stepped forward to a podium to attempt her gargantuan feat, prepared to take on a routine too hard to accomplish.
"Trans women are actually women," Biles said, beginning the most complex, impossible feat of her career. "That's why we call them trans women, because they're just like real... er, norma — I mean, other women. Men can definitely be trans women, and therefore men can be women because trans women are women."
Viewers gasped at the contortions, leaps of logic, and other inhuman twists and turns of Biles' performance, eliciting even greater striving from the world-famous gymnast.
"And trans men are men too," Biles said, panting a bit from exertion. "Because adult human fema — that is, because women who are trans men can be real men too... yeah."
Biles then did that little "hands-in-the-air" gymnastics pose thingie to signal her routine was complete. The astonishing feat was met with scattered applause.
At publishing time, the judges had ruled that, despite her enormous display of effort, Biles had still only earned a score of 1.2.
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