BETHESDA, MD — Senator Gisele Fetterman of Pennsylvania has asked for thoughts and prayers as her husband undergoes treatment for an undisclosed amount of time for an undisclosed illness in an undisclosed location at Walter Reed Medical Center.
"I ask for privacy as my husband fully recovers, which he totally will any day now," said Senator Fetterman through a spokesperson to a DNC official who gave an official statement to the press. "Several days ago he checked himself into the hospital for depression, and that was it and nothing else. He is definitely alive and in perfect health and doing great. He can't make a public statement right now, because the wifi in his hospital room is really spotty and stuff. We're looking into it."
Senator Fetterman has assured constituents she will perform all the duties expected of a Senator while her husband is recovering. "Make no mistake, you elected me to represent you in Congress, and as a fully alive and functioning person, that's exactly what I intend to do. My husband's health issues will not change that."
At publishing time, Senator Fetterman's team had told the press to expect another update on the health of her husband in 8 or 9 months.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.