WILMINGTON, DE — A strange cocaine-like substance discovered at a federal court Wednesday definitely did not belong to Hunter Biden despite it being found on his courtroom chair. The Secret Service detail charged with protecting the president's son says the illegal-like substance was probably left by "a tour group or something."

"Courtrooms have tours, right? From kids on a field trip, maybe? I bet it was one of them," said Special Agent Phil Quench.

Hunter, who appeared in court to plead not guilty to charges he was guilty of, has emphatically denied possessing the illicit substance. "I don't do drugs," Hunter said before excusing himself to use the restroom for the fifth time that morning. "Stay in school, kids!"

Secret Service agents performed a preliminary investigation before opening the courtroom to local authorities with strict instructions to not look into the matter further. "The powder-like substance came from somewhere, but we'll probably never know who left it. So don't bother," Agent Quench said.

"I'd hate for something to happen to you."

At publishing time, a blow-like substance had left a trail leading directly from the courthouse to Hunter Biden's home. The Secret Service posited it was probably planted by Russians.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.