WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unexpected period of sudden transition swept through the nation's capital today after the White House announced President Joe Biden had to be put down after yet another incident in which he bit a baby. Vice President Kamala Harris will now ascend to the presidency.
"He had just become too dangerous and unpredictable," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and also gay. "It's a sad day, but we made sure he got to enjoy his favorite things before the end came. Playing ball in the backyard, having his tummy scratched…everything he loved."
The difficult decision came after Biden had reportedly bitten yet another infant, the latest in a long history of such incidents. "This falls right in line with the laws regarding dangerous animal bites," said another source within the administration. "If there are repeated biting incidents, putting the animal down is required. Our hands were tied, but at least we could put the president and the country out of their collective misery."
Though the bitings had long been blamed on the White House dog, Commander, other people began to find it suspicious that the teeth marks on the victims were a perfect match for the president's dentures. "We simply couldn't keep saying the dog did it," the source continued. "There's only one animal in this place who bites children to steal their ice cream, and it's not Commander."
At publishing time, President Kamala Harris announced plans to bring in a new White House dog and name it "Joe" to make everyone feel like Biden was still around.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
