EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND — The Scottish Parliament declared this week that William Wallace was definitely a woman because most paintings and statues we have of the historical figure depict him wearing a skirt.
"Aye, yes," declared Scottish cabinet member Francis MacDonald. "He was a woman for sure. I mean, she was a woman for sure. Look at that plaid skirt she was wearing here in this old painting. A lass, plain and simple, and anyone who says otherwise will be arrested on the spot."
The rest of the statement was unintelligible due to MacDonald's thick Scottish accent.
The declaration comes on the heels of a new hate speech law in Scotland that makes it illegal to misgender a trans person. After noticing paintings and statues of Scottish freedom fighter William Wallace wearing a skirt, proponents of the law were quick to point out that misgendering the historical hero would constitute a hate crime under the new law.
"If a person wears a skirt, she's a she," said historian Fiona Barclay. "It's as plain and simple as that. We'll be going through all historical records and paintings to determine which historical figures need their pronouns to be updated. As scholars, we know a skirt equals a lass and pants equal a man. It's just science."
At publishing time, experts announced when William Wallace talked about "freedom" he was definitely referring to the liberation of coming out as trans and experiencing true trans joy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
