VIENNA, AUSTRIA — Neighbors of physicist Erwin Schrödinger agreed that his thought experiment about the indeterminate nature of their cat being alive was super interesting and all, but asked if he could please tell them where their cat is.
"I think Erwin is great, he's so smart and always telling us about the amazing experiments he's working on, but he asked to borrow our cat a while back and I'm a bit concerned what happened next," said neighbor Fritz Weinberger. "We'd really like to know where Herr Shnitzel-Muncher ended up."
Schrödinger reportedly asked to borrow the large tabby cat to conduct a few experiments in his garage, where he was also seen lugging in bottles of poison and radioactive material. "After locking the cat in the box ten days ago, I can no longer know if the cat is even alive or dead," explained Schrödinger. "What is fascinating is that if I were to look in the box, my looking could actually change what happens to the cat! Until I look, the cat could be here, there, alive, dead — who knows? Goodness, what's that smell coming from the garage?"
As of publishing time, the Weinberger family was also trying to get Immanuel Kant to return their lawn mower after the transcendentalist refused to acknowledge its material existence in his tool shed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
