EGYPT — Scholars have uncovered new evidence showing that Pharaoh's infamous hanging of his chief baker was a result of discovering walnuts in his brownies.
"I'm sorry, but this is disgusting and I'm going to have to kill you," Pharaoh is believed to have said. "I was so pumped for this brownie, and just wow - what a letdown. Get the noose!"
Recorded in the book of Genesis, the story of the head baker's seemingly unwarranted execution has long puzzled Bible scholars. "We have always wondered what exactly a baker could do to warrant instant hanging. It all makes sense now," said Old Testament Studies professor Dr. Lisa Gold. "Walnuts in a brownie? He's lucky Pharaoh didn't feed him to the lions."
In the Genesis account, the baker initially asks Joseph to interpret a dream in which birds are eating baked goods out of three baskets on his head. "Yeah, he's going to straight up kill you," responded Joseph. "I don't know why exactly, but it's clear you deserved it. Anything else I can help with?"
Scholars also say that the baker's initial imprisonment was most likely due to an ill-fated attempt to make gluten-free pancakes.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
