SAN FRANCISCO, CA - San Francisco Mayor London Breed has asked all the homeless residents of her city to please poop at home as coronavirus spreads throughout the nation.
"Please, we urge the homeless residents of our great city to please poop in their homes during this crisis," she said in a speech after dodging several piles of feces on the way to the podium. "Return to your homes and relieve yourselves there, not out in public where you might spread the virus."
She also asked them to work at home rather than going outside at least for the next one to two months. "We are all in this together. Whether you're taking care of business or running a business, let's all make sure to do it in the privacy of our own homes. Even if your home happens to be, well, the sidewalk."
According to sources, no fewer than seven homeless people were taking a "massive dump" on the steps behind her during her address.