U.S. — In a deep loss for the nation, the mass layoffs at The Washington Post have left no one to monitor how racist birds are becoming.
According to internal sources, leadership has shuttered the entire bird racism department, leaving no journalists in America to report on how light-breasted finches really feel about dark-breasted finches.
"It's a staggering blow," stated former Washington Post editor Darren Barclay. "How can a nation function when it does not even know how racist its birds are? It is left without a rudder, a moral compass. We are left blind to the injustices of the aviary, a democracy indeed dying in darkness."
Former WaPo writers warned that despite their often cheery songs, birds are, in fact, deeply racist. "Bird racism is the challenge of our epoch, and we have chosen failure," said journalist Mollie Bart. "This is racism metaphorically and literally taking flight. We are talking about flying racism, and now we have silenced the one voice that was speaking out. The generations to come will look back and judge us for this grave mistake."
At publishing time, Islamic terrorists had also worried that the layoffs may leave no one to describe them as "austere scholars" after their deaths.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
