POTLATCH, ID — A local man told his sad story to a support group this week, explaining his parents had named him "Scam Likely" and condemned him to a lifetime of never having anyone answer his phone calls.
"I'm so lonely," Mr. Likely said to the people gathered for their weekly Sharing Loneliness Together meeting. "I always knew I had a unique name, but the problems really started back when caller I.D. became a thing. As soon as I got my first cell phone, I noticed nobody would ever answer my calls. Even my closest friends blocked my number. I'm in hell."
The man's parents, Sal and Dorothy Likely, didn't see a problem with the name when their son was born. "Sal's family name is ‘Likely,' of course," Dorothy explained, "and we chose to name our son ‘Scammington James' after my grandfather. We never imagined it could have such a negative impact on his social life."
Despite attempting to start his own business, Scam claims he has never been able to generate one single customer. "I make and sell a line of humorous coffee mugs," he said. "I just couldn't get anyone on the phone. Ever. No customers, no distributors. They just won't pick up. I tried to call to get signed up to go on welfare, but that didn't work either."
At publishing time, Scam Likely had injured himself slicing a watermelon but was forced to run to the hospital on foot after his attempts to call 9-1-1 went unanswered.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
