MOSCOW — This week the Kremlin announced a sanction on over 25 persons, including Sean Penn and Ben Stiller. U.S. intelligence indicates that the impetus for banning Ben Stiller from the country was a special screening of Zoolander 2, which Russian intelligence officials had not yet seen.
"The Russian Federation has unilaterally banned Ben Stiller from entry for losing sight of what made the satirical Zoolander work and creating a cameo-stuffed sequel that fails to recapture any of the magic from the original," said Russian President Vladimir Putin in a rare public address. "The franchise's second outing was an expensive-looking, but ultimately hollow experience devoid of humor, spontaneity, or any satirical bite."
Putin stopped short of apologizing for having allowed Stiller free entry into the nation for as long as he did, shifting blame for the oversight to an "intelligence failure."
"We can guarantee this type of error will not happen again – the responsible parties have been jailed or disappeared."
Official Russian propaganda recounted the dire reception the film received at the screening, noting the high expectations that the nation's gathered intelligence community had for the long-awaited sequel. "Those unfortunate enough to be in attendance at the screening had grimmer expressions than usual. While there were no walk-outs, the expected grunts approximating laughter were absent, and chief ministers from the most prominent oblasts began clamoring for Stiller's ban from the country less than halfway through the runtime of this bloated, globetrotting, self-indulgent, and unfunny mess."
At publishing time, state media announced that Russia's leadership had scheduled screenings of Anchorman 2, Dumb And Dumber 2, and all the Hangover sequels to review whether the creative forces behind the highly-anticipated sequels had also squandered their budgets on non-sequiturs and low-effort cameos, empty retreads of beloved quotes, and the absence of any of the spark that made the originals special. In the interim, all the leads involved have been banned from the country indefinitely, pending further investigation looking for even a single good joke.
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