WASHINGTON, D.C. — The greatest living hero of the COVID-19 pandemic has been reluctantly drawn back into battle, as the Biden administration has reportedly called retired authority on virology Dr. Anthony Fauci out of retirement for one last ride as it seeks to implement a new mask mandate.
"I'm getting too old for this [stuff]," Dr. Fauci was heard muttering after hanging up the telephone at his D.C.-area residence. "One last ride. I didn't think I had it in me, but sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Now, let's go suppress some personal liberties and see how many lives we can destroy for old times' sake."
Government officials have begun warning the public about a new wave of COVID about to sweep through the population, despite President Biden declaring the pandemic "over" nearly a year ago. With public opinion that the country is headed in the wrong direction and another election year around the corner, leaders concluded that new lockdowns and mandates were necessary. "This is only a temporary measure," one White House source disclosed. "As soon as the election is over next fall, the next pandemic will subside, and we can let everyone have their freedoms back. We have a solemn duty to save the American people — and democracy itself — from COVID."
At publishing time, Dr. Fauci was rumored to be "rounding up the old gang" for what he was telling them would be "one last shot at killing as many people as possible."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
