Health
Researchers Delay Coronavirus Vaccine Until They Figure Out How To Make It Cause Autism

U.S.—Scientists across the nation are racing against time to develop a vaccine against the deadly COVID-19 virus. Despite significant progress, researchers have hit a snag. Sources confirm an effective vaccine is ready to mass produce except for one problem: manufacturers have so far been unable to give it the power to cause autism.

“Like any good vaccine, this one needs to give autism to some kids,” said Phil Mipockets, CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if we put something on the market that was totally safe and didn’t ruin some people’s lives.”

When the Coronavirus pandemic began spreading around the globe, the vaccine industry rejoiced at the opportunity for another excuse to hurt more children. “We hit a lull recently, since our vaccines basically eradicated polio, smallpox, and many other deadly infectious diseases,” one researcher told sources. “We needed a new reason to pump kids full of harmful toxins.”

“Thanks, Coronavirus,” he added.

Vaccine-makers say it could be early 2021 before they can mass produce an autism-causing shot that meets industry standards.
 

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