TEXAS — A new report out of Texas A&M University revealed that Texans have thus far saved humanity three trillion seconds by brilliantly shortening the term "you all" to "y'all."
According to researchers, no other linguistic development in all of history has saved the human species from more wasted time or syllables.
"Many lifetimes have been literally saved by 'y'all'," stated lead researcher Dr. Marty Schmitt. "Well, not you all, like the people gathered here in front of me listening. I don't know if you guys have done anything for humankind. I'm betting on pretty neutral. But the word 'y'all' has saved so much time and opened countless windows of opportunity for the human race. Thanks, y'all. Again, not speaking to you people."
Originating around the Civil War era, legend has it that Texan man Sam "Ten-Gallon" Smithers was the first to use the term "y'all." "Smithers was rather drunk in a saloon one evening and challenged all thirty other men to a fight," explained Schmitt. "Stumbling over his words, Smithers stumbled right into history and Texas gave the world its biggest gift: the word 'y'all'. Well, that is, until it gave the world Buc-ee's."
At publishing time, the researchers announced that Texas had unfortunately lost humanity about one billion seconds from replacing the word "foolish" with "all hat and no cattle."
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