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Report: Millennials More Open To Socialism, Touching Hot Stove, Sticking Face In Sack Full Of Badgers

U.S.—While most Americans are hostile to socialism, touching a hot stove, and sticking one’s face in a sack full of badgers, surveys show that millennials are much more open to these dangerous ideas and activities than previous generations.

Finding themselves pessimistic about the future and saddled with student debt, millennials often turn to socialism, and also tend to say things like “Hey, maybe it would be fun to touch that hot, glowy thing above the oven.”

These new attitudes towards stove touching, putting one’s face in a sack full of badgers, and socialism is changing the Democratic Party, already resulting in a surprise win for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the NY-14 primary who openly ran on a platform of democratic socialism along with “democratic sticking your face in a sack full of badgers,” which is “fundamentally different” from the old style of just sticking your face in a sack full of badgers, according to Ocasio-Cortez.

“The system has failed in getting a close look at badgers,” Ocasio-Cortez told an enthused crowd. “It’s past time to just stick our face in a sack full of them.”

“These are exciting, progressive ideas,” said Zachary Nichols, 27, who had attended the speech and is an advocate for putting his face in a sack full of badgers, socialism, and touching a hot stove. “And there are so many benefits from them such as close observation of the habits of badgers, a fairer distribution of income, and quickly heating one’s hand.”

When asked about the potential problems from these ideas and the horrible results from others who tried them, he just shrugged and said, “Real sticking your face in a sack full of badgers has never been tried.”