CHICAGO, IL — City officials were relieved to get some unexpectedly positive news following the holiday weekend, as Chicago shootings were reportedly down, as the guy who keeps track of all the shootings got shot.
The numbers came as a pleasant surprise after what was feared to be a record-breaking Labor Day weekend in the Windy City, with the shooting of the guy who is responsible for tabulating all the shootings providing much-needed relief from the onslaught of violent statistics.
"After that guy caught a bullet, our shooting numbers suddenly got a lot better," said Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson. "We were concerned about the sudden spike in shootings and other violent crimes over the weekend, but once someone shot the guy who is in charge of keeping track of shootings, things looked more promising."
With the shooting of the guy who was tasked with tracking the number of shootings that took place, officials were optimistic that not nearly as many shootings would be counted. "This is the breakthrough we needed in the battle against violent crime," Johnson explained. "If we had known that the number of shootings would drop this suddenly, we would have made sure that dude got shot years ago."
At publishing time, sources within City Hall said that there would be no rush to fill the position of the person who keeps track of all the shootings, in hopes that having no one there to keep track of all the shootings would result in a significant number of shootings not being counted.
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