DOVER, DE—While speculation has circled about President Biden checking his watch during the dignified transfer of fallen soldiers, sources in the administration have confirmed that in fact, he was only looking to see if he still had blood on his hands.
Despite attempting to blame Trump, climate change, and the Afghani people themselves, at the end of the debacle Biden still found himself with blood on his hands, and his alone. Somehow, being the President of the United States—and being the final authority who selected Pentagon leaders for their intersectionality, ordered the total troop withdrawal, conceded to deadlines set by terrorists, abandoned allies with no warning, withdrew the military before ensuring civilians were brought to safety, trusted known terrorists to provide safe passage for Americans to the airport and put military members in the impossible scenario of securing an airport while crowds of desperate people attempted to get in—somehow, all of that made him responsible.
"Just can't imagine why I have their blood on my hands," said a pensive Joe Biden. "I did everything perfectly, just like I always do. Everything that went wrong was someone else's fault, just like it always is. I'll make sure those Gold Star families understand that. Right after I get this blood all cleaned off my hands."
Standing in Dover to await the fallen soldiers, Biden suddenly worried how it would look if he was seen standing there with their blood, bearing actual blame. A photographer caught the moment, and the image spread like fire.
"Republicans have floated their childish theories, claiming President Biden was worried about when Matlock was starting, or if he was missing the early bird special at Golden Corral," said Press Secretary Jen Psaki. "But I can assure you all, he was simply trying to remove evidence of his share in the responsibility for the loss of life we have endured."