WORLD - A team of researchers has confirmed what women have long speculated: 90% of dads are running errands just to get some peace and quiet.
"I knew it!" cried Jill Krundy, a local mother of 2. "I knew he didn't really want to help with the errands. He was just trying to get some time away from me and the kids!"
Jill's husband, Bill, admitted he would often sit in his car with the engine idling, staring blankly out the windshield for up to three hours. "I just... need... peace... and quiet..." said the apparently shellshocked man as he appeared to stare at something 1000 yards away.
"I'd send him out to get some milk," Jill fumed. "The store's just down the street - it should take fifteen minutes, but he'd come back 2 hours later with a gallon full of warm milk. At first, I thought he was having an affair, but this is way worse!"
Experts say millions of families have near-identical stories and that the consequences run deep, ranging from the development of trust issues to cold dinners.
Of thirty countries surveyed, the report found that dads everywhere are just trying to chill out. Next year, researchers hope to find out why women take 2-hour-long showers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
