GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
Sources said that the father ran out to his son, who looked a little pudgy after living on government-subsidized junk food for months, and embraced him.
"My father! I have sinned, and am no longer worthy to be called your son," said the young prodigal to his weeping dad. "Is there anything in the fridge? My EBT card hasn't been working since this government shutdown stuff happened."
Witnesses said the patriarch reportedly told his servants to slaughter the fatted calf and put some nutritious food on the table for the malnourished welfare recipient.
"Let us eat unprocessed food and celebrate," the father said, "for my son, who was dependent upon government assistance, has been found."
Tensions began to escalate, however, when the prodigal's older brother complained that he had been thanklessly pulling his weight and paying his taxes for years, all to support lazy bums like his little brother. "My taxes aren't meant to feed good-for-nothing welfare queens," he said. "This is the stupid libs' fault."
At publishing time, the prodical had quickly moved out again after the government resumed functioning and his EBT card got refilled.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a "peaceful" dinner?
