ALBANY, NY—New York state has announced a new plan to raise taxes on the novel coronavirus. The 15% income tax on all COVID-19 viruses, coupled with an 8% luxury disease tax, is expected to generate significant revenue and stop the virus in its tracks.
The plan is designed to cause the virus to flee the state to a lower-tax, more virus-friendly area.
"We thought about all the different ways to solve problems that we know of, and we just returned to the tried-and-true method: taxing something until it runs away," said Governor Andrew Cuomo. "This new legislation will cause the virus to run away and go to those dumb, backward Southern states not smart enough to have a special coronavirus tax."
"This oughtta do it."
The plan seemed to work almost immediately, with coronaviruses packing up their bags, renting U-Hauls, and moving to better states like Texas. Texas has unveiled its own plan to stop the bug, however, shooting the virus with fully automatic weapons on sight.