Pro-Life Evangelical Group Endorses Moloch

U.S.—A newly formed Christian political group is promising to fight back against Donald Trump in the upcoming November election. Known as Pro-Life Evangelicals for Moloch, the new group promises to return American Evangelicalism to a more socially accepted standing, just as Jesus would. 

"Trump is an existential threat to our precious democracy, our reputation, and our norms," said Dick Wheelson, the leader of the group. "Our precious and holy norms are being violated by that big stinky mean-head. The only way for us to really show the world that Christians are really nice people and don't want to put kids in cages and stuff is to vote in ancient Canaanite god Moloch."

According to the group, the bloodthirsty ancient deity promises to bring a more "Biblically balanced" approach to governance that includes providing free healthcare and college to the babies who survive the yearly child sacrifice event during the winter solstice. 

Katy White, one of the group's 13 members, expressed the urgency of this election saying: "Now more than ever, it's time for Christians to stand on principle as defined by whatever makes us feel better about ourselves and gets us invited to more parties. We miss the parties. Also, we're pro-life and stuff, but do you really want to bring a child into a world where Trump is President? Evangelicals need to start becoming pro-life in a more holistic way. For us, that starts with voting for Moloch. Go vote!" 

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