SESAME STREET — A dark cloud was cast over Pride Month festivities on Sesame Street, as Bert and Ernie, long regarded as icons by the LGBTQ community, clarified that they are, in fact, just a couple of straight guys who live together.
"We're just roommates," Bert said when asked to describe his relationship with Ernie. "I don't get why my best friend and I can't live together without everyone thinking we're gay. We're just a couple of dudes who share an apartment. He does his thing. I do mine. Don't make it weird."
Though rumors have swirled for decades that Bert and Ernie were romantic partners, they decided the truth needed to come out. "We've heard the whispers for years. How could we not?" Ernie asked. "Do you know how many times we've been asked to speak at Pride events?" It's exhausting. We're as straight as arrows! So neither one of us has met the right woman to get married to and settle down with, so what? Bert's a good guy. I love him…but not like that. Enough with the gay stuff, everybody."
Fans of the pair struggled to come to terms with the news. "Oh come on! They've got to be gay!" said one commenter who seeks to insert gay stuff into all facets of life, including every movie and television show. "I refuse to accept the notion that Bert and Ernie are heterosexual! Where is the representation?! RAAAAHHHH!"
At publishing time, LGBTQ activist groups had begun protesting outside Bert & Ernie's apartment building, demanding that they be gay.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.