Hell Celebrates Yet Another Year Of Perfect ESG Scores
Environment · Jun 14, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

LAKE OF FIRE — Hell, known for its efficient torture practices and ultra saunas, celebrated a perfect ESG score Wednesday following a review by Bloomberg ESG Data Services. This marks the 19th year in a row Hell has achieved a perfect annual score since ESG ratings were introduced in 2004.

"I am just swelling with pride right now," said Satan, contorting his demonic face into a human imitation of pride. "We did it, team!"

ESG, not to be confused with E-Sports Gaming, is a measurement of the Environmental, Social, and Governance efforts undertaken by a corporation or any other place of eternal torment reserved for the damned.

Hell representatives commended the suffering of the damned, whose spirit-world screams do not expel carbon. "Literally everything is on fire so you'd think we'd be swimming in carbon. Not so! It's easy to reach zero emissions when you're dead," noted mid-level demon Pazuzu.

Amazon.com has reportedly begun looking to Hell for inspiration. "We need to rethink our strategy. It's not always about profits, you know? Sometimes it's about suffering," admitted Amazon CEO Andy Jassy.

In addition to a low environmental impact, Hell excels with labor management, supply chain standards, and a diverse demonic horde. According to Satan, "Legion really helps us meet our diversity quota since he is, in fact, many. You gotta' hand it to him."


When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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